Laron - laron masih menggerayangi tubuh lampu ruang tamuku. Cahayanya yang remang - remang memikat mereka. Jam menunjukkan pukul delapan. Masih awal, untuk ukuran akhir pekan.
Aku menarik nafasku dan menghembuskannya hati - hati. Sesekali menatap ke arah Burhan takut - takut. Adegan diam - diaman ini sudah berlangsung terlalu jauh! Sampai kapan harus begini?

Aku mengusap keringatku yang berlomba mengucur.
Ah, sudah berapa kali kondisi seperti ini terjadi padaku?
Lagi dan lagi!
Selalu saja seperti ini!
Aku lelah!

Perlahan, kugerakkan tanganku untuk menarik taplak meja yang miring agar kembali ke posisinya semula
Dahi Burhan melipat dua, berkerut dengan air muka tak terbaca.
"Hmm, aku.." tak berani kukeluarkan lagi kata - kata yang menyesak dadaku.
"Kau yakin?" tanya Burhan pelan.
Aku menggaruk leherku.
Gatal.
Hening menyapa selama ratusan detik. Aku tak sanggup menghitungnya, karena sedetik pun terasa satu tahun bagiku.
"Maaf. lagi-lagi maaf. aku-"
"Bukan salahmu. salahku." selaku. Aku tak ingin mendengar Burhan bersuara lagi.
Burhan menggerakkan tangannya.
Aku terpejam, telingaku menolak mendengar kata - kata yang paling tak mau aku dengar.
"Skak mat!" pekik Burhan serak.
Habislah aku. Ini sudah yang ketiga kalinya.


flash fiction, 169 kata.
originally written circa 2009

aku benci situasi ini

by on 12:29:00 PM
Laron - laron masih menggerayangi tubuh lampu ruang tamuku. Cahayanya yang remang - remang memikat mereka. Jam menunjukkan pukul delapan. Ma...
dari mana datangnya ide?

apakah dari otak kanan kiri?
turun ke jemari
jadi dua tiga goret bait puisi

apakah dari isi kepala?
jadi lembar-lembar sketsa
atau lirik lagu dan musiknya

saya tak pernah melihat ide datang murni dari pikiran

sebab saya melihat ide mengetuk pintu
dari lembar-lembar halaman buku

ide menyisip tanpa permisi
di antara sesap-sesap kopi

ide luruh berderaian
lewat rintik-rintik hujan

ide mendekam
dari mata yang tak mau terpejam
kala hari telah padam

ide bersembunyi
di balik keping-keping patah hati

dari mana datangnya?

by on 11:37:00 AM
dari mana datangnya ide? apakah dari otak kanan kiri? turun ke jemari jadi dua tiga goret bait puisi apakah dari isi kepala? jadi lem...
Honestly, how do you know that too much is too much?

This may not the first time people ask that kind of question, yet I wanna ask the same to you, how do you know?

We once loved without being afraid that we might torn apart, because we were sure that we would always be in love. we fell to each other, so deep. Too deep that on one moment to another, we began to hurt. we started to grow the jealousy, the insecurity. We put our trust in shatter. later we found we were in such a big messes that we couldn’t find the way out. At that time we realized that this was too much. too much pain, too much tears, too much love that even we no longer could afford.

We did separate. we were bleeding and crying, and God knows how we tried to stitch the broken us.. but after several trials, we discovered new wounds. The wounds that created by us because we tried too much on things that didn’t work anymore.

Then we decided to leave this absurd relationship. We cut the tiny thread that connected us. We wiped our tears and said goodbyes. made me know that you had filled me with too much memories.
It was years ago. now I’m living my life again, I re-write the new chapter of the book. now we’re fine because those ‘too much’ are wiped little by little as the time goes by.

I’m meeting someone. yes, a new guy. maybe this has no correlation with you, and maybe it’s not really important, you don’t have any business with this anyway. but when  get closer to this person, you know, I start to like him a little much, and start to worry a little much. He starts to know me a little much, and somehow I’m afraid. I’m afraid that these ‘little much’ will sooner or later become too much. and I can’t lie that I’m scared I might fail this relationship again.

So please, tell me, at that time when we were still together, did you actually learn that we were ‘too much’? How did you know?


This is the reply of the letter..


To you, who have secretly written the heartbreak letters, @kebalikan

Well I was in the library, doing my assignments that caused me dying of boredom and randomly went to your blog - or how you named it now? Tumblr? Whatever - and I was surprised to read those unsent letters that you made.

Dear honey, no one would realize that they are going too far or getting and giving too much until they are lost and finally need to pay so much price of having too much. No one, underline that. If only I had that damn idea that we were too much, I would have stopped being too much because I didn't want us to lose our way. I didn't want to lose you at all. Unfortunately your question is unanswerable. Even I did have the same question. I asked God why. You know how sometimes people break up because their love is not enough. Funny is, the reason that we broke up because ours is too much.

And anyway, it's good to hear that you are now considering to create a new life. Please, fall in love once more. It's okay. You have to see yourself whenever you're in love, because that version of you is the one that I adored and admired a lot. Correction, adore and admire. Yes, it's present tense because these feelings, it's still there. It has always been there. And don't be afraid of going too much, because sometimes you need too much to be enough.

These three years brought me to this thinking, that maybe it wasn't our big problem. Maybe that 'too much' would mean nothing if only we worked it out. But we didn't. And I realized perhaps the reason was because we unconsciously shred our tolerances of each other. We argued a lot, remember? And somehow it meant it was okay to lost each other instead the arguments.

Sigh you are right. Those arguments were arise because we love too much.

So, maybe this letter has no point. But I want you to know that I am still the same me, the one who notices every breath every step you take. It's just fate that made us apart. Because yeah, I learned that people who are made for each other don't always have to be together.

And don't worry, someone will come into your life and things will work between you two. That someone will stay in love with you.

One thing that i learned from our broken relationship is... Eventually, we only need someone that makes us feel enough. Not less or more. That's how things work between me and my woman now. Yeah, have you heard that news?
We are together until this very moment because yeah... I never love her as much as I did to you. I stop being in love when once my heart say, "Okay, this is enough."
 
 
 
Both of these letters are written by me, on '30 Hari Menulis Surat Cinta', a project by @PosCinta. I used pseudo twitter account @kebalikan to post the letter. But I've deleted that account and apparently it's now taken by someone else.
 
You can read the archive here:
 
 
or the original letter(s) on my tumblr
 
 
 
 
Thanks, and see ya! xoxo