being 20 something-ish

Disclaimer: I might not the first one to write about this topic, but I need to get them out of my chest, so here it is.

When I was seventeen (or any age during highschool), I used to think that being 20 means glory. A golden period of someone's life that I really waited for. I though it would be the time of my life, when I would be able to go out and do everything, achieve everything, and also be able to make decision freely about everything.

Now I am 23-ish, 2 year more into my quarter life something. I think back about those thoughts, and ask myself the questions.

Can I go out and do everything? Yes, but until 10 p.m. only or my Dad will flood my inbox with "Dek, pulang. Dek, udah jam berapa nih?" etc. I still haven't be able to go on solo trip to Kuching (SO VERY SAD) even when I already prepared for the trip like a month before (including the bus, hotels, cullinary plan and all). So, nothing like freedom especially if you are the only daughter your parents have. You will be restricted still.

Do I achieve everything? Well I did finish my school and get 'S.Ked' title, but I haven't officially finished my study (because lol, doctors). I haven't reached my dream whatsoever to study abroad. I haven't started any business, haven't made any money (well I made some by being translator but it's still a part time job), and sometime I feel like I am stuck between kos-kosan bed --- hospital --- kos-kosan bed (that's koass life, will tell ya later). I am nothing close to my dream, let alone get married and have kids while people around me are planning to have second child (MY EX HAS 2 CHILDREN ALREADY MY LORD). So yeah, this is reality and it hits me hard at times.

Can I make decision freely about everything? This, somehow, is the only truest thing that finally come true. YES, I am free to make (almost) any decision that I need to keep my life going. But, there is always a 'but', the 'free decision' also comes with a bag full of responsibility tagging along the decision. And I am bad with making one. If you made one, you have to also be ready with the consequences, and most time, we are not ready for them.

So, yes, being 20 something is not as glory as I thought it was. Being 20 something means you are getting into several time of losing and finding your true self. Of getting know too much, and also so little of everything that going around the world. It also means standing in the bridge of uncertainty, to enjoy life the most so there won't be any regret or to get everything right seriously so we will hold the future tightly. For example, I sometimes feel like I deserve to just lay in bed during weekend, but when weekdays come I always feel like I am wasting my time and it actually haunts me a lot. The cycle repeats on and on, which makes me think, why do I feel this way?

Then I looked back to my old diaries where I wrote about all the goals and plans to have the best and brightest future, the ones I should pursue in this very age. Now I get why I, and maybe most people my age, feel like 20 something becomes a heavy burden on a shoulder. I sort it into some points, so here they are:

• It is because we already have expectations that 20 something is the age of having it all. While in the fact, well, you may and also may not have it all. Yes, maybe some people already get a firm and sustainable career, maybe some people already have a fairy tale marriage whatsoever, maybe some people already meet their goals to travel around the world. BUT, that does not mean if you are not achieving those, it means you are a pathetic losers. Well we, people, have our own timeline, we run in our tracks. We sometimes jog or do a little walk, and that's okay. The point is that we should keep moving forward (now this sounds like quote from motivators, but damn those right) despite what people achieve. Because it is their timeline. We should really stop comparing somebody's pages with ours. But, that does not mean you are allowed to just be laid back about everything. My point is, just because somebody is succeed at your age, does not mean those who have not are the losers.
• It is because we try so hard to fulfill people's expectations of us. Well, we do live in a place where people 'care' so much about what we have done. People around us will constantly have expectations about what we should be. We should go to college after highschool. We should graduate on time. We should have job right after graduate. We should be married once we make money. We should have kids right after the wedding. Etc etc. It won't stop. And maybe not many people understand, or even realize, that those expectations are the ones that burden us a lot. And the weight will slowly become something that stand between us and our true goals. So believe me, just close your ears tightly when they start to blab about what you should be. You owe nothing to them, so they are not the ones who should decide what and when you should be. If what you are doing are making you happy, then carry on.
• It is because we think our life is only about goals. I recently see a video about why people often feel frustated about not reaching their goals. In that video, he explains that it is mostly because we often become too obsessed with the goals that we are getting stressed over the obstacles that we cannot control. Yes, goals are made so we can be focused to our destination. Goals are made so we are kept in the 'right' line. But once we already on the path, why we care so much about the goals that we forget to enjoy the journey? Life itself is a 'trip' that we take, so I think what's important is that we always, always enjoy the ride

Okay, I think those three points are enough. I myself often feel like I am lost and useless (especially during pms, because.. hormones) but trust me, if we are in constant worries of not having it all together, we might actually waste our time. We ARE in the best time of our life, make a use of it. Be happy about it, and most importantly, be present in every moment.
And someday, maybe soon, you will finally arrive at your destination. Safe and sound :)

See ya!