Laron - laron masih menggerayangi tubuh lampu ruang tamuku. Cahayanya yang remang - remang memikat mereka. Jam menunjukkan pukul delapan. Masih awal, untuk ukuran akhir pekan.
Aku menarik nafasku dan menghembuskannya hati - hati. Sesekali menatap ke arah Burhan takut - takut. Adegan diam - diaman ini sudah berlangsung terlalu jauh! Sampai kapan harus begini?

Aku mengusap keringatku yang berlomba mengucur.
Ah, sudah berapa kali kondisi seperti ini terjadi padaku?
Lagi dan lagi!
Selalu saja seperti ini!
Aku lelah!
Perlahan, kugerakkan tanganku untuk menarik taplak meja yang miring agar kembali ke posisinya semula
Dahi Burhan melipat dua, berkerut dengan air muka tak terbaca.
"Hmm, aku.." tak berani kukeluarkan lagi kata - kata yang menyesak dadaku.
"Kau yakin?" tanya Burhan pelan.
Aku menggaruk leherku.
Gatal.
Hening menyapa selama ratusan detik. Aku tak sanggup menghitungnya, karena sedetik pun terasa satu tahun bagiku.
"Maaf. lagi-lagi maaf. aku-"
"Bukan salahmu. salahku." selaku. Aku tak ingin mendengar Burhan bersuara lagi.
Burhan menggerakkan tangannya.
Aku terpejam, telingaku menolak mendengar kata - kata yang paling tak mau aku dengar.
"Skak mat!" pekik Burhan serak.
Habislah aku. Ini sudah yang ketiga kalinya.


flash fiction, 169 kata.
originally written circa 2009

aku benci situasi ini

by on 12:29:00 PM
Laron - laron masih menggerayangi tubuh lampu ruang tamuku. Cahayanya yang remang - remang memikat mereka. Jam menunjukkan pukul delapan. Ma...
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dari mana datangnya ide?

apakah dari otak kanan kiri?
turun ke jemari
jadi dua tiga goret bait puisi

apakah dari isi kepala?
jadi lembar-lembar sketsa
atau lirik lagu dan musiknya

saya tak pernah melihat ide datang murni dari pikiran

sebab saya melihat ide mengetuk pintu
dari lembar-lembar halaman buku

ide menyisip tanpa permisi
di antara sesap-sesap kopi

ide luruh berderaian
lewat rintik-rintik hujan

ide mendekam
dari mata yang tak mau terpejam
kala hari telah padam

ide bersembunyi
di balik keping-keping patah hati

dari mana datangnya?

by on 11:37:00 AM
dari mana datangnya ide? apakah dari otak kanan kiri? turun ke jemari jadi dua tiga goret bait puisi apakah dari isi kepala? jadi lem...
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Honestly, how do you know that too much is too much?

This may not the first time people ask that kind of question, yet I wanna ask the same to you, how do you know?

We once loved without being afraid that we might torn apart, because we were sure that we would always be in love. we fell to each other, so deep. Too deep that on one moment to another, we began to hurt. we started to grow the jealousy, the insecurity. We put our trust in shatter. later we found we were in such a big messes that we couldn’t find the way out. At that time we realized that this was too much. too much pain, too much tears, too much love that even we no longer could afford.

We did separate. we were bleeding and crying, and God knows how we tried to stitch the broken us.. but after several trials, we discovered new wounds. The wounds that created by us because we tried too much on things that didn’t work anymore.

Then we decided to leave this absurd relationship. We cut the tiny thread that connected us. We wiped our tears and said goodbyes. made me know that you had filled me with too much memories.
It was years ago. now I’m living my life again, I re-write the new chapter of the book. now we’re fine because those ‘too much’ are wiped little by little as the time goes by.

I’m meeting someone. yes, a new guy. maybe this has no correlation with you, and maybe it’s not really important, you don’t have any business with this anyway. but when  get closer to this person, you know, I start to like him a little much, and start to worry a little much. He starts to know me a little much, and somehow I’m afraid. I’m afraid that these ‘little much’ will sooner or later become too much. and I can’t lie that I’m scared I might fail this relationship again.

So please, tell me, at that time when we were still together, did you actually learn that we were ‘too much’? How did you know?


This is the reply of the letter..


To you, who have secretly written the heartbreak letters, @kebalikan

Well I was in the library, doing my assignments that caused me dying of boredom and randomly went to your blog - or how you named it now? Tumblr? Whatever - and I was surprised to read those unsent letters that you made.

Dear honey, no one would realize that they are going too far or getting and giving too much until they are lost and finally need to pay so much price of having too much. No one, underline that. If only I had that damn idea that we were too much, I would have stopped being too much because I didn't want us to lose our way. I didn't want to lose you at all. Unfortunately your question is unanswerable. Even I did have the same question. I asked God why. You know how sometimes people break up because their love is not enough. Funny is, the reason that we broke up because ours is too much.

And anyway, it's good to hear that you are now considering to create a new life. Please, fall in love once more. It's okay. You have to see yourself whenever you're in love, because that version of you is the one that I adored and admired a lot. Correction, adore and admire. Yes, it's present tense because these feelings, it's still there. It has always been there. And don't be afraid of going too much, because sometimes you need too much to be enough.

These three years brought me to this thinking, that maybe it wasn't our big problem. Maybe that 'too much' would mean nothing if only we worked it out. But we didn't. And I realized perhaps the reason was because we unconsciously shred our tolerances of each other. We argued a lot, remember? And somehow it meant it was okay to lost each other instead the arguments.

Sigh you are right. Those arguments were arise because we love too much.

So, maybe this letter has no point. But I want you to know that I am still the same me, the one who notices every breath every step you take. It's just fate that made us apart. Because yeah, I learned that people who are made for each other don't always have to be together.

And don't worry, someone will come into your life and things will work between you two. That someone will stay in love with you.

One thing that i learned from our broken relationship is... Eventually, we only need someone that makes us feel enough. Not less or more. That's how things work between me and my woman now. Yeah, have you heard that news?
We are together until this very moment because yeah... I never love her as much as I did to you. I stop being in love when once my heart say, "Okay, this is enough."
 
 
 
Both of these letters are written by me, on '30 Hari Menulis Surat Cinta', a project by @PosCinta. I used pseudo twitter account @kebalikan to post the letter. But I've deleted that account and apparently it's now taken by someone else.
 
You can read the archive here:
 
 
or the original letter(s) on my tumblr
 
 
 
 
Thanks, and see ya! xoxo
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picture taken from google image

Hi, folks? Have been missed me? Lol, I wish.

Actually I'm no longer a person who blab so much about my personal life in details, but I've got plenty free time (which is rare) so I decided to write, and this thing is the first thing that popped up in my mind. I want to write about.. not love, but commitment. Maybe many people have wrote about this, so there are points of view, but I just wanna share my own opinions about it.

Well, I've been spending these few months working on a full time job called relationship. Yea, if you have read my previous posts labeled 'K', it's full of lovey-dovey that sometimes me myself thought 'why the hell did I write that? It's embarrassing', lol but I've written it anyway. It feels nice yet funny that I finally reached that phase to move on from my previous sunken-relationship and begin a completely new one, with a whole new person. I have to admit that it was not an easy decision to eventually agree settling to a person when you had your heart broken quite bad.

Just cut to the case, from these past months, I've got a lot of lessons from my relationship about what they-and-I called commitment.

1. Commitment is a big thing. It's not simple, it never is. It's not like I like you and you like me so we should be together. It is waay more than that. I thought and thought and thought before I agreed to commit, because c'mon, this is no longer chase and run game. When you think you want to commit, sure there are several questions bugging your mind. Yes, you might like him/her? But is it true that he/her is the only one that you want? And you need? And if so, would you also want him/her in the future? So yes, there's a lot to ask.

2. Commitment is serious business. Commitment means getting attached, and most relationship is just 'being with and spending' but not attaching (doesn't mean you have to be overly attaching gf/bf). This is why on some relationships, when a person has to be apart from his/her gf/bf, they start to see other people. They start to compare and then slowly replace. So, no, in my honest opinion, not all relationship are commitments. I personally think commitment is when you both agreed to always have each other even when you can't physically be with each other. That's a deal and you have to keep it by pouring enough faith for it to succeed.

3. Commitment is tiring. Yes, it is. Of course in other side it's a happy beautiful thing, but you have to face the fact that it cannot always work the way you want. You would always meet the bumps, get lost in the rough patch, and sometimes feel you want to give up but you won't. It is exhausting, and overwhelming, but you willingly try and try and try and believe there is always a light in the end of the tunnel.

4. The last, commitment is not a game you have to win. But if you fail it, you might lose it.

To make it short, commitment is something that makes me feel his presence, when he's not there. Commitment is even when I know there's a lot of men that waay much better than him, I would always prefer him to anyone else in the end. It is something that makes me going through so much level of understanding that even though we cannot always be with and see each other, I would always stick myself to him and believe that he would do the same.
Commitment is something that keep us, even thought most of time it's hard for us to spend time together, talk with each other, or even send few messages, because we both busy as hell (sometimes he's home at 1 or 4 in the dawn, imagine that), but screw with it, we're gonna spend most of our time together anyway, later in the future (in syaa Allah). And if it what it takes to be with each other, then we'll surely do the best we can do to keep it going.

So yeah, that's all my big picture of what commitment is like. Sure it's not always true, and feel free not to agree with me. But it is what I know and learn, from what I've been through.

And if there is a question such as "why commit?"
Well at some point of your life, you have to. That's why.
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.. that's when my cornea catches the first glimpse of you. My retina absorbs the lights of you, turns them into impulses that run through my optical nerves to my brain. It stimulates my hypothalamus to secrete serotonines that makes me happy. That's when my sympathetic nerves activated; produces adrenalines that burst to my blood. It explains why my heart trembles and my pupils get wider. My fingers and my feet are chilled cause my blood vessels are got constricted.

Basically.. many things happened when I see you. You won't know cause the only visible response that I do when I see you is..
my seventh cranial nerve's got contracted-
so it puts smile. In my face.

when I see you..

by on 8:01:00 AM
.. that's when my cornea catches the first glimpse of you. My retina absorbs the lights of you, turns them into impulses that run throu...
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Denganmu
aku melumpuhkan luka, membunuh lengang. Merengkuh cinta, memintal kenang.

Denganmu
aku mendekap bahagia, menggenggam tenang, Mempersunting tawa, memiliki senang.

denganmu

by on 7:21:00 AM
Denganmu aku melumpuhkan luka, membunuh lengang. Merengkuh cinta, memintal kenang. Denganmu aku mendekap bahagia, menggenggam tenang, Me...
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Tiga.. empat.. lima.. detik berlalu. Begitu saja. Wajahmu masih menjadi satu-satunya objek yang dapat membuatku hilang kata-kata. Cantik, dan sungguh aku ingin memandangimu terus-menerus tanpa diusik. Kepalaku rasanya ingin kutampar bolak-balik, leherku ingin kucekik.
“Hey, kenapa?” Tanyamu, membuat aku mesti susah payah menyembunyikan rasa malu.

 Ah, wanita. Bahkan dua kata yang kau lontarkan membuatku merasa hendak menggenggam samudra.

“Ada yang salah ya di mukaku?” Tanyamu lagi.
“Ngg.. nggak, nggak ada. Bukunya bagus.” Jawabku, sedikit ragu. Satu-satunya hal yang salah di wajahmu adalah kenyataan bahwa Tuhan menciptakannya begitu sempurna, setidaknya begitu yang tertangkap bola mataku.
Lalu kau tertawa dan melanjutkan membaca. Aku menundukkan kepala, berusaha mencerna kata demi kata yang tercetak pada buku bersampul biru tua. Seharusnya, cintaku jatuh pada buku dan tulisan saja. Lebih mudah, jelas tidak perlu rumit menghadapinya.

 Sejak kapan aku jadi puitis begini, aku ingin muntah saja.


Tiga.. empat.. lima… menit berlalu. Kita masih bisu menenggelamkan diri dalam tumpuk demi tumpuk buku. Koreksi, hanya kau, tidak aku. Karena mataku sesekali diam-diam mencuri lihat sosokmu. Sesekali ingin kuserapah perputaran dunia, sebab menjatuhkan kamu di tempat ini – yang dulunya kusebut surga. Kini, aku harus melihatmu setidaknya seminggu dua kali, dan sejak itu aku mengklaim, perpustakaan ini adalah jelmaan neraka.

 Ya Tuhan, memendam rasa tidak pernah menjadi pekerjaan yang menyenangkan.

 Namun rupanya dunia tak berhenti bermain sampai di situ saja, kau tahu? Entah sebab apa, kala itu kau menegurku. Kau bilang tertarik dengan buku yang kupegang, dan meminta izin untuk meminjamnya setelahku. Tentu saja aku langsung mengangguk bak kerbau dicucuk hidung, dan hatiku tanpa diperintah seketika bersenandung. Dan itulah hari dimana pertama kali kita membuat janji untuk bertemu di tempat ini lagi. Yang sesekali memaksa kita lanjut berjalan kaki menuju kedai kopi, menceritakan inci demi inci buku yang tadi kita kuliti. Membahasnya satu persatu seolah tidak ada hal lain yang bisa dibicarakan selain karakter-karakter mempesona, ending-ending mengejutkan, bait demi bait kata yang membuatmu berdecak kagum sepenuh ujung kaki hingga kepala.

Wahai nona, mencintaimupun membuat aku merasakan hal yang sama.
Tiga, empat, lima… jam berlalu. Aku tak habis pikir bagaimana bisa kau begitu betah hanya duduk dan membaca saja. Ya, memang ada kalanya kau tiba-tiba meletakkan bukumu dan beralih ke layar telepon genggam, mungkin penat dengan lembar-lembar kertas yang terus-terus kau pandangi. Atau ada orang yang harus kau hubungi, mungkin memberi tahu bahwa kau masih akan tinggal di sini sebentar lagi. Entahlah, apa yang kutahu tentang kau selain fakta bahwa kau adalah gadis yang sungguh gila membaca.

Gadis yang rupa-rupanya sanggup menyerap atensiku sejiwa seraga.

Tiga.. empat.. lima.. ha……, ah, hari, Tiga empat lima hari aku akan menemuimu kembali. Dan kepalaku akan memutar lagu yang sama, memainkan tiga empat lima berikutnya, tentu saja hanya di benakku sendiri. Yang sekejap menjadi tiga, empat, lima minggu dalam satu kedipan. Tiga, empat, lima, bulan. Terus begitu, hingga entah kapan lelah ini tak mampu lagi menahan.
Tak bisa kukatakan segenap rasa ini juwita, sebab kekasihmu tak pernah sekalipun alpa menjemputmu, tepat ketika buku terakhirmu genap dibaca. Aku, si bodoh ini, hanya akan menjadi lelaki yang mencintaimu sambil berhitung tiga, empat, lima.

Sebab saat bersamamu, rasa-rasanya aku lupa segenap angka, dan hanya mengingat tiga, empat, dan lima.

tiga, empat, lima

by on 9:40:00 PM
Tiga .. empat .. lima .. detik berlalu . B egitu saja. Waja hmu masih menjadi s atu-satunya objek yang dapat membuatku hilang kata-kat...
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